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|Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007|
|Sunday, December 19th, 2004|
i couldnt find any christmas presents and had a lunch of chili and a rosemary and olive oil roll.
i took rachelle to the train station this morning, later i had a dinner of sharp chedder and a tomato with salt.
|Tuesday, July 27th, 2004|
i got accepted into the illustration department today
|evenings of damask
its true, i have only been writing about the bad things and this journal has become an outlet and release for such things. so understand. i have been with rachelle for the past week or maybe longer, things are good. i am happy. watching movies in bed, laying around is nice, my favorite even. i wish i had one million dollars so it could be all that i do. to lay in bed with her. she isnt bad at all, she is quite wonderfull really, she doesnt do bad things, i just get over emotional and take it out on her through my journal, its not her fault its mine and it makes me feel terrible that i act this way. blah blah. i did well on my portfolio review. i have to hand in one thing today to complete my application and then i go for illustration in the fall. all is going well which makes me nervous. im bound for a fall in the near future. i want to start a band. but not a real band you understand. i have alot floating around in my mind that even you couldnt imagine. unicorn finally came today.
|Wednesday, July 14th, 2004|
okay i must say im a little annoyed or in the least upset. it seems the more i think about this the more that it affects me, so ill see if writing this in my journal will quelm all of these feelings. so nate whispers into rachelles ear that he wants to suck her tits so on and so on. this is after i told nate the situation with her, and im not even mad at nate, i know how he is. he is infact a scumbag, i know this and dont mind it. you dont whisper that in someones ear while you have a girlfriend or even when your good friend is so into someone and you know this fact, this is why everyone that we grew up with says that about him and knows that about him. but still. maybe im wrong on all of this and selfish and jealous but. i feel that given my current situation rachelle shouldnt be flirting with my friends, at least for mysake. as i watched her stare at him on the train my heart broke again and again. her feeling his body and her endless comments about how hot he is. and he knows how she feels. so now my best friend knows that the girl that im in love with likes him and not me. i feel like an ass, i feel like shit.you dont do that. at least i dont. im begining to really question rachelles attitudes. as far as i can see is that she only likes aggresive egotistical jerks who would do nothing but hurt her, and thats fine. let her. im tired about writing about her in my journal.
|Thursday, July 8th, 2004|
|ill rabbit fight for you
too many girls like me. im tired of wasting my time and my youth. you are done and i mean it this time. im putting myself out there. two weeks from today i WILL have someone that loves me or will in the future. yes im drunk, but that doesnt matter. im tired. your moods and feelings are boring. i know them far to well. im tired of passing up smiles from beutifull women for you and i refuse to do it for one day longer. tomarrow i will go out and meet people. i tell myself, but its the truth. im going to get a sandwhich. your not so fucking perfect. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Current Mood: drunk
|Saturday, July 3rd, 2004|
i went to motherfucker tonight, i danced close with a number of different attractive girls. but nothing comes out of it. so now im only more lonley and isolated that before. i mean, its fun and exciting at the moment. but damnit, i want them to be my girlfriend not jsut dance partner, im incredibly clingy and pathetic, but thats alright. i dont want to have to go through all of the motions of courtship again. this brings me to my next point, i think my "obsestion" with rachelle steams from this, it could be that its not nessacarily her but that i have gone through all of these motions with her and that is established, and its such a pain to do it again. not that im even obsessed with her...anymore. i can definatly say that i dont feel as if i love her anymore, if i ever did. ive convinced myself that it was mearly the above statement and infatuation. yes ill go with that, but thats it. its not one person, its any person. i think i could love anyone that i like. its all or nothing with me i think, im "absolute" with these matters. amanda gave me a flyer for her party at riffifi on sunday, i know it doesnt mean anything, she just wants more heads int he door, but rachelle has been trying to get me to go to it for sometime so now i will. i long for the sweet embrace of my coffin. its lame i know.
|Friday, June 18th, 2004|
|stella was a diver
so diana has moved in and its really good, although i get the feeling that she is starting to not like me so much. its fine i guess. i think they all think im insane and wierd, thats fine also. amanda has a boyfriend, yet another let down. maybe if i had the courage to talk to girls i could end up with a girlfriend. thats all that i really want, i hate not having one. it makes me sad, its been well over a year now, its the longest i have gone without being able to love someone. terrible terrible terrible. i need to stop sleeping with rachelle. i really do. i get too emotional when she talks about other people, i think i hide it well. maybe i dont. it makes little difference. i want a band. i want a haircut. i want a stronger body. i want i want i want. my bank account says -1.50. im signing up to go on "blind date" if i get on im going to wear a vampire costume. people think thats its a bad idea, but what the fuck do they know. fucking squares. all of you. i want to visit oberon, i think it would be really good for me, i wish i lived closer, his ideas are the best anyone has every told me. most people say these crazy ideas they have and they are absurd and totally irrelevent. his all pertain to life. are all relevant. he always makes me question mysewlf and thats why i value him so much, enough with the praise. enough. the new interpol sounds just like the old interpol. i want to go out tonight and meet someone new. some one some one some one. noones cares about how i feel and thats how it should be, i dont expect sympathy i just demand it. i talked to the biggest tallest muscular homeless guy today, he told me where to go to sell my cds and wanted to come with me so he could take my money when i did, i told him not to and he didnt, he hugged me but i made sure he couldnt slide his hand to my backpocket and wallet. he was alriught though, he needs to rip people off. i would rather have him do that than starve. it doesnt meatter because there is no money in my wallet or love in my heart. fuck you. im going home.
|Thursday, June 3rd, 2004|
i hate growing accostume to sleeping with someone. its terrible. i cant sleep. my eyes wont close.
|beard of stars
ive started school you know, its nice. there are pretty girls that make eyes in my classes and on campus. life drawing is the favorite course. i like going there at 1 and doing things until 930, all art of course. tonight i will sleep alone for the first time in a week. ive gotten used to the routine. i want someone to go and get bagels and coffee with in the morning. no matter. i get to see amanda tomarrow. she is going to be my girlfriend within 2 months. maybe not. she doesnt like me and has a boyfriend, how could it be otherwise. i hope diana can get on the lease without problems. she will, i just like to worry myself with such matters. seeing peoples bands play.cough. Current Mood: high
|Saturday, May 29th, 2004|
|with sure delight
diana moved in today, im really happy about that. its good, you know? i havent seen her in almost a month, she is tan and thinner, not that she ever needed to be. john was wearing his rad pink clash shirt. tony of course went to florida and didnt pack or clean his room. so guess who got to? its ok though ,some of his belongings might have gotten broken and i took the liberty of pocketing the $5 in various change on his floor. i went to kims today and saw who i think is named amanda. i really like her, i hope she doesnt have a boyfriend or any of that. she looks at me in a really good way and i think there are "sparks" when she talks to me, i hope its her working motherfucker with me on suday and not the other radio amanda. i doubt its her but if it is....either way. her voice is so soft and kind of gritty but in a really feminine way. i really like her choppy blonde hair and her modern clothing. i am intimitaded, she is in this band, gets paid as an assistant, works at kims and has already finished college i assume. i know she works on saturdays at kims. im going to have to start buying even more records.
|Sunday, May 23rd, 2004|
christ, i dont know what i have been doing, but of course i have. ive been with rachelle every day and night the past week, its nice. fast times. so on so on.biddle was here demanded lps, i buckled, biddle got lps. i stella sat all day yesterday, she slept quietly on my chair. stella stella stella. i dont know. we had a cheap 4.95 breakfast for two and layed in thompkins all day today tallking about this and that. i need to clean, my room is just about done. i went into kims but she wasnt there. we talked about robots the other day, there is so much hope. i really think so. it could be so wonderfull. diana is apprehensive. tony needs to find a place soon otherwise i might have to find a different roommate which i dont want to do. she is mad at me for reasons that are out of my control. terrible. i dont know. sleep maybe. maybe?
|Saturday, May 15th, 2004|
|wispy paisley skies
everything is well, i am in a good mood. ill be starting school on june 1st. i get to take, intro to electronic media, typography and life drawingthe first session. i talked to dave and its cool to only come in on fridays, so that means for the first time in years ryan has a place to be, all day, every weekday. its perfect, i dont have to wake up until 12 and i get home at nine. so i can still do my thing, bolth things. im still excited about stephanie calling me, i still dont have her number but im going to call verizon on monday and get a list of all incoming phone calls. i know its wierd and crazy and creepy, but i dont care. i want to talk to her. it would be nice. and tony is almost 100% about moving out june 1st so it will be no problem for diana to move in then, im stoked. all of the sudden everything is working well. i think rachelle is mad at me, or confused, or doing the same thing i did and its funny because by knowing you read this im addressing you directly. so there, rachelle. christina helped me so much with all of my FIT stuff. i cant thank her enough, but all i can do is further "mooch" off of her and caleb. i dont mean to, but what other option am i presented with? a job? bah. ill have to give them one million cds. we all smoked last night with charlie, all in my room. i like hanging out alot more in my room, its closer and stella likes my bed. i got another record in the mail today, they keep coming and im paying for all of them by slinging posters. whatever, none of this is really important Current Mood: high
|Friday, May 14th, 2004|
|she had to leave...
she called me, i can hear her voice on my machine. her name is stephanie. she wants me to call her back, but she didnt leave a number. my stomach is in knots, what if she is here, in this very city, mere miles from my grasp. i hope she realizes i dont have her number and calls back. i dont think she will though. im never going to erase her message, ever! this is terrible and wonderfull. now im not going to stop thinking about her for weeks. i hope she calls again. i hope i hope i hope i wish i pray i dream. Current Mood: shocked
|Thursday, May 13th, 2004|
so ive registered for all of my classes at FIT today. its all girls there and i only saw one that kept my eye. but dont get me wrong im excited. i cant wait for diana to move in. ive been looking forwared to it for months now. ive been binge record buying the purging myself with my stereo that i took from christina. records make me happy, but only for a bit. then i smoke the pot that i dont have and that keeps me going for a few more hours. but you can really only smoke and get high once a day. the second time in a day just is no good. i dont know what im going to do this summer. im sure i wont find someone. im destined for a good two more years of lonliness. but its fine, ive grown used to it. im a pussy but i just want to walk down the street holding someones hand.
|Sunday, May 9th, 2004|
|so much better on holiday
i feel so drained, emotionaly as well as physically. im not who i want to be and will never be. i cant find any sort of meaningfull realtionship. everyone that wants me i push away and everyone that doesnt i want to pull closer. i havent felt loved in a year now, and even then i didnt feel fully loved. i have accomplished nothing while ive been in new york, i have no job, i dont go to school, i cant find love or even someone that simply wants to be with me that i want to be with. i cant be alone much longer. its terrible and i cant handle it. i feel like i have a javolin through my heart and rocks in my stomache. im never going to get into school, all of my art is shit, total shit. there is no form and no real creativity. i look at everyone jealously. everyone has someone or something and i have nothing. its selfish and i know that there are people with more and greater problems, but these are mine and i have to deal with them. im just a dumb rich kid with no talent or charm. im not even smart. not at all. i cant comprehend things. i have nothing, nothing at all besides wealthy parents, and they arent even that wealthy. but thats all that i am, thats where all of my support comes from. i feel like all of my friends are not completley honest with me. and if they were it would just be worse.my IQ must have gone down from when i last took that foolish test. my perseption is different from yours maybe. there is so much more i want to say but cant think of it right now. i have to get on a train going home soon. i just want to lay in my bed and i pray that i wont wake up. the black void of death is far greater than the void of emotional isolation.
|Saturday, May 8th, 2004|
|interstate 95 revisited
i watched a man die on thursday night, he fell from 40 ft above the stage, i watched him fall and land into his death. ive never seen anyone die before. they cancelled the concert because of it, so i didnt get to see bowie. afterwards we went to this party in miami. i met this beautifull spanish girl and danced and held hands with her all night long. she seemed upset that i couldnt hang out with her the next day because i was leaving, i wish i didnt have to leave, i wish i could live in miami and fall in love with her. but i cant. its upseting. if i lived there i would be able to find happiniess with her, at least ill tell myself that. ive been in a car for the past two day zooming up the eastern seaboard. i wish i was back in new york right now. im home sick. i cant wait to be back tomarrow. i have a bag full of fireworks, good fireworks, even some sparklers. i miss my miami girl, i thought about her the whole drive back and im still thinking about her now. i dont even know what her name is. she told me but i didnt hear it and didnt want to ask again, so i didnt. ill never see her again. maybe i will, she put my number in her cell phone. even if she comes to nyc i doubt she would call. i finally went to south of the border, and yes it is the best place ever.
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2004|
|big heads, my friends have big heads
i am 1000 miles from my bed. all of the men here have big arms and short hair, all of the girls have tan skin and ugly clothing, they dont look at me here. ive only caught one eye so far. i feel like an alien and i havent decided whether i like it or not yet, okay i like it. i like the palm trees and the lizards. i went to some battle of the bands last night and tonight i have bowie, some party and a girl that i have never met before. i cant wait until tomarrow to get inthecar and look out of the window at the ever changing southern landscape for hours and hours.
i wrote rachelle a letter but i threw it out, ive decided today that i bother her too much and i am going to cease doing this.so it will never go in the mail. ive been thinking about my blonde kims girl. i am her secret admirer. its nice, i should leave simple notes for her to find. but thats lame, so im just going to keep going into kims and watch her smile at me and talk to me. she has turned me onto blonde hair. but im sure ill never kiss her or any of that, i dont even know if she has a boyfriend, or if she even likes me at all. i have caught her staring at me at work and that is what has started all of this. im glad i have 24 hours of driving to properly think this over. i wish i could just get dropped off in new york, i dont want to go to CT. i dont care if its mothersday. im a bad son and an even worse friend,as you all know.
|Sunday, May 2nd, 2004|
|superman and greenlantern, they got nothing on me
confusion, shock, dispare, confusion.
i dont know anymore, i think one thing then another. i keep having my hopes and heart built up just to be brought down again. i want them to be up and i want them to stay up. let them. i dont know. minds change so quickly. knowing that it wasnt sarcasm hurts me, i should have taken my opportunity, but i assume it wouldnt be valid anymore. i hope he hurts you.